The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
Stop jerking off to vines my recommended list on YouTube is getting weird.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
Randomize
