If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
I just want to make out with him forever
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
Randomize
