Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
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