Ok seriously, can we bring back badminton?
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
I've had that scene from "Parenthood" where Rick Moranis' character is singing "Close To You" to his wife in classroom, stuck in my head all morning.
I guess my mind is just wondering whatever happened to Rick Mornais.
Have you ever noticed every guy named Shaant has scene hair and date girls with racoons stripes in theirs
His name should be shouldn't
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Bookstore boy and I went out, he came back here and I tried to fool around and he respects me too much blah blah I'm a predator.
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
Randomize
