dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
Anything crazier than usual happen? I woke up in a stairway with my cock out.
Well, ive pounded a baby into a stripper and a girl who was on jerry springer, a 16 year old is logically next.
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
They've taken all the lighthearted fun out of S&M.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
Randomize
