I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
Randomize
