just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
We are having a competition to see who can masterbate in the wierdest place, right now hes winning since he masterbated on his Jr. High school bus.
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
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