I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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