Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
Well I woke up naked, with a santa hat on, and a bag of beef jerky next to me. So yeah, I would say it was a pretty successful trolley
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
Randomize
