If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
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