I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
Randomize
