someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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