I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
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