Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
Randomize