If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
If i have to listen to his problems about his girlfriend, he should at least let me suck his cock.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
Well, let's be honest here. You're dealing with gay guys... EVERYTHING has an emotional attachment.
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
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