No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
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