Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
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