you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
the day after is always just damage control
i'm making a list of conversation topics in my blackberry so the ride won't be so awkward
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
Randomize
