I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
sex on the stairs. not our finest idea.
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
Randomize
