I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
I'm not the type to go to a guys house...in your case his boat...and sleep with them..I mean I have in the past but I'm trying to be more serious and grown up
Randomize
