My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
Opportunity cost of getting to econ after a night on the town > marginal benefit of attending class
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Randomize
