Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
please visit steve this weekend, he is getting mature and responsible and shit which scares me.
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
Randomize
