I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
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