Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
just printed 333 ways to get kicked out of wal-mart. hello thursday night.
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
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