jackpot. dress really slutty so he knows you mean business
yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
Randomize
