I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
just threw up in the bushes outside my lecture hall. sometimes i hate the freedom college gives you.
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
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