I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
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