did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
These girls next to us are doing shots called bath salts. Sadly this is the classiest bar I've been to since i moved to PA
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
Randomize
