She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
I blacked out after running into my soc TA in the beer garden. came to dancing on the speakers at major lazer and making out with said TA.
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
i just took a huge shit in old main. i think my college bucketlist is finished.
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