im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
Do they make some cleansing product for your soul? Like mouthwash that makes you not a skank? Or is that what religions for?
Eh, i think it's called sobriety. But its not fun.
you wouldnt answer to anything but devil's advocate all night.
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
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