i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
BGSU move in weekend. Just passed a house w a beer pong table set up, ppl already playing, girls holding signs that say "son drop off". It's 10:30 am.
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
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