On a scale of affliction to ed hardy, how douchy is in there right now?
went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
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