One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
I want to be your penis for a week.
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
Actually here it's more "lie around naked in a dark room" weather.
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
