Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
Randomize
