oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
Anyway, it's clearly a shapeshifting vagina/AT-AT, which I never said I was SEXUALLY attracted to. Just that I liked it.
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
Randomize