and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
I feel like death gave me a hand job
A gentleman never tells..... therefore i will neither confirm nor deny the attatched photos
Would fucking the college coach be against recruiting rules?
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
Randomize
