I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
We've finally come to the understanding that as long as our conversation stays stricaly sexual, we get along.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
Randomize
