he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
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