I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
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