I wish they made helmets for livers.
so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
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