I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
Randomize
