Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
We're on a cock hunt. Everything is fair game.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
Go big or go home. Or get a live in house boy you met 7 years ago and feel like you have unfullfilled potential. You know, the usual
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
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