I can't watch pbs sober anymore
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
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