when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Randomize
