Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
Interesting, I was always told to run away from crazy, but you seem to think we should run towards them dick first.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
Randomize
