Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
someone get that fucking seahorse.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
Randomize
