Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
Why is there not a 'day after acid' genre. Or even a pandora station or something.
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Randomize
