I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
can we get together and have a vodka water gun fight? i need to get som intense excersise/alcohol
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
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