i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
I expect to be treated like a lady. Even If your sticking it in my ass.
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize