He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
She needs sedatives and a leash
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
I don't even think NICOLE made a fool of herself last night...
your aware she lit herself on fire, right?
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
Randomize
