I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
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