She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
Can we pretty pretty please go to Mardi Gras tomorrow? I promise I'll be a good girl and not puke in a pledges car
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
So apparently I’m into choking now
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