If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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