Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
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