I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
Randomize
