I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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