I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
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