I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
They have a booking log online so i can just check that instead of call
Technology: making bailing your sister out easier since 2008
Traveling before 21 and traveling after 21 are two different things. There's a whole nother world of red white and blue weird out there
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
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