you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
I wish I could walk around this campus with a big stamp that says "Approved" and just stamp girls asses as they pass.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
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