either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
Lol. No. We cannot eat chicken while we have sex. No.
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
Randomize
