My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
We haven't even scratched the surface on the damage we could do. Just saying
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
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