two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
Actually here it's more "lie around naked in a dark room" weather.
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
Randomize
