I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
Randomize
